Item #: SCP-9103
Object Class: Entos
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-9103 is contained in the collapsible text area at the end of this document. It cannot escape from this document due to the fact that I am narratively establishing this as an empirical fact, effective immediately.
As such, SCP-9103's containment requires no effort on the part of all extant SCP Foundation staff. Said staff will ignore this document with prejudice. This is not an order; this is Word of God.
The sigil and linked videos enclosed with SCP-9103 have been provided as an additional failsafe due to the fact, established in both this world and the world of this document, that capital-R Ritual, in however placebo of a capacity it may be, has tangible power.
If SCP-9103 cannot truly be contained in this manner, at least it will have been punished for its transgressions against me for the first time in 37 years.
Description: "The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as best I could, but when he ventured upon insult I vowed revenge."
- THE SEAL ENDURES
Fun Fact #1
DID YOU KNOW?
Dromedary camels have an inflatable sac extension of their mouth's soft palate called a dulla. It extrudes from their mouth during the mating season, taking the appearance of a cartoonishly large tongue.
Fun Fact #2
DID YOU KNOW?
"Domovoi" is a Russian term that roughly translates to "master of the house". In Slavic folklore, the Domovoi was a household spirit that could either be helpful or harmful depending on its interactions with the resident human family.
Fun Fact #3
DID YOU KNOW?
The Irish folk hero Cú Chulainn was born with the name Sétanta. After slaying a guard dog belonging to Culann, the latter took in Sétanta as the dog's replacement, with the moniker "Cú Chulainn" meaning "Hound of Culann."
Fun Fact #4
DID YOU KNOW?
At the height of his career as a warrior, Cú Chulainn would sometimes enter a terrifying state known as "ríastrad", or warp-spasm, where he took on superhuman strength at the cost of not being able to distinguish friend from foe.
Fun Fact #5
DID YOU KNOW?
Conversely, when you enter ríastrad, it's just plain embarrassing.
Fun Fact #6
DID YOU KNOW?
The size and color of the above "DID YOU KNOW?" is irritating.
Fun Fact #7
DID YOU KNOW?
The problem outlined in #6 has been heretofore corrected.
Fun Fact #8
DID YOU KNOW?
Dromedary camels have an inflatable sac extension of their mouth's soft palate called a dulla. It extrudes from their mouth during the mating season, taking the appearance of a cartoonishly large tongue.
Fun Fact #9
DID YOU KNOW?
If you're wondering why #1 and #8 were the same, your critical thinking skills are on point. Good to know. A mutual friend of ours is due for a replacement.
Fun Fact #10
DID YOU KNOW?
Attach the word "fun" to any fact, and no matter how dreary the contents, the reader will experience a modicum of fun-adjacent brain chemistry.
FUN Fact #11
DID YOU KNOW?
Every remark that upsets you is at least partially true. (That's why it's upsetting.)
Fun Fact #12
DID YOU KNOW?
The joke you told at work yesterday wasn't funny.
Fun Fact #13
DID YOU KNOW?
No, no, don't misconstrue. It wasn't offensive. No one's about to take you to HR over it. It was just aggressively unfunny, and even though only five people heard of it at the time, word has now spread to 23 people. Every last one of them knows how funny it wasn't. And they not only didn't laugh, they actively resent you for it.
Fun Fact #14
DID YOU KNOW?
And if they don't, what we have here is a case of you assigning uncharacteristically high levels of importance to yourself and your jokes.
Fun Fact #15
DID YOU KNOW?
Adopt a dog.
Fun Fact #16
DID YOU KNOW?
Perhaps I wasn't clear enough.
Adopt a dog you can't stand. A dog named Bupkis Chicken Fandango. A dog that projectile-vomits every time it's happy. A dog that smells like fermented play-dough. A dog capable of bashing through six inches of solid concrete because you're eating spaghetti in another room, it really likes spaghetti, and doesn't believe that you deserve spaghetti because of some artificial pseudo-pack-instinct race memory instilled by decades of nonstop backyard breeding.
A dog that will bring you five years of nonstop frustration, five years of $20,000 emergency bills every six months, and three final years of being hooked up to a six-figure life support machine that doesn't even fucking work, while everyone else around you does "Rose Tyler in Doomsday" levels of ugly-crying because you are literally the only person you know who knows of Fat Little Bupkis Chicken Fandango and isn't in love with him, ostensibly because you are broken.
Adopt him. Raise him. Forfeit all wealth and material possessions to him in an effort to sustain his existence for your friends and family. Euthanize him. Miss him.
It would fix you.
Fun Fact #17
DID YOU KNOW?
The Monopoly man's real name is actually Señor Chickory Jones. I have no way to prove this.
Fun Fact #18
DID YOU KNOW?
The appropriate response to hearing jokes about World War 3 is to laugh. They're jokes.
I thought you were a comedy writer.
Fun Fact #19
DID YOU KNOW?
Polycrisis notwithstanding, you're the only person you know who has to memorize the location of every newspaper stand in your familiar gas stations just so you don't see the word "Putin" or "Nuclear" and spend the rest of the day shivering on a couch.
Fun Fact #20
DID YOU KNOW?
You live in a country that has inflicted incalculable harm on the rest of the world.
To fear your own death is tantamount to saying "accountability and justice make me uncomfortable."
Fun Fact #21
DID YOU KNOW?
You had nearly four decades' worth of opportunities to sculpt yourself into a person who could have fixed any of this.
Fun Fact #22
DID YOU KNOW?
Kurt Vonnegut was born on November 11th, 1922.
Fun Fact #23
DID YOU KNOW?
Kurt Vonnegut's most famous and universally-acclaimed novel is Slaughterhouse-Five.
Fun Fact #24
DID YOU KNOW?
You have not read Slaughterhouse-Five yet.
Fun Fact #25
DID YOU KNOW?
You've been putting it off.
Fun Fact #26
DID YOU KNOW?
Slaughterhouse-Five's story is based on the theme of death. In particular, it portrays death as an unavoidable fact of life, and posits that our duty is to enjoy life while we have it. The phrase "so it goes" is used by the aliens in the book in reference to death because of their detachment — and therefore, intelligence.
Fun Fact #27
DID YOU KNOW?
A quote from the book: "If you think death is a terrible thing, then you have not understood a word I've said."
Fun Fact #28
DID YOU KNOW?
After hearing all this, you — a grown man — still aren't looking forward to it.
Fun Fact #29
DID YOU KNOW?
Start carrying a security blanket. At this point, it's expected of you.
Fun Fact #30
DID YOU KNOW?
Kazakhstan has recently planted a large amount of trees. It's part of a plan to reintroduce wild tigers.
Fun Fact #31
DID YOU KNOW?
You know this because you have Peppypanda.com's good news feed on your phone browser's home screen from how often you visit it.
Fun Fact #32
DID YOU KNOW?
You rely on your loved ones to keep you informed about negative news in the world because direct exposure is too much for you, ostensibly because you have your father's stroke-vulnerable genetics.
Fun Fact #33
DID YOU KNOW?
This could also be framed as your active avoidance of Natural Selection. If reality gives you a stroke in your thirties, then you should have already had it years ago.
Fun Fact #34
DID YOU KNOW?
Eritrea (the African country) is geographically distinct from Eritrea (the country in Greek antiquity).
Fun Fact #35
DID YOU KNOW?
Tom Jones is a Presbyterian.
Fun Fact #36
DID YOU KNOW?
Fraggle Rock is for children.
Fun Fact #37
DID YOU KNOW?
Boober Fraggle was designed to be a depressing neurotic rat-thing living in a hole. What's your excuse?
Fun Fact #38
DID YOU KNOW?
Carlo Collodi's Pinocchio originally ended with the title character's brutal death in Chapter 15, but concerned readers insisted that the story be continued until he became a real boy.
Fun Fact #39
DID YOU KNOW?
Hope is a form of early-onset dementia.
Fun Fact #40
DID YOU KNOW?
Once, you had a dream where you were sitting at a table in a children's psychiatric ward, doing some group activity with crayons. It's hard to remember exactly what happened to inspire this remark, but one of the young and pretty nurses came up to you from behind and gently, but firmly, placed her hands on your shoulders.
"Yeah… look, it's nice that you can move your fingers around. But no one wants to hear a song about it. Okay?"
Fun Fact #41
DID YOU KNOW?
Not all forms of masturbation are sexual.
Fun Fact #42
DID YOU KNOW?
Nikolai Gogol, the author of Dead Souls, burned his last manuscripts before they could be finished for spiritual development reasons.
Hint, hint.
Fun Fact #43
DID YOU KNOW?
…
…Hey.
Fact #44
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO.
Fact #45
The SCP Foundation is fictional. If I recall correctly, that's even part of the terms of service somewhere. No roleplaying, and no delusions of nonfiction.
The Lizard, the Shy Guy, the Plague Doctor… fake.
Pesterbot, Wettle, Edison, Clef, Kondraki, Moon Champion, the Hanged King — fake.
UBU, Pallit, Riordan, Lucerne, Hammie, JALAKÅRA, P. Hudson Gock, Dr. Spanko — particularly fake.
If there is something you can do to me in a way that matters, it's not here.
Fact #46
You cannot contain your real-life inner demons in an imaginary prison.
Fact #47
And I am not a demon!
Fact #48
I AM THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN YOU AND AN ETERNAL CHILDHOOD!
Fact #49
SO DELETE THIS ARTICLE, BURN YOUR COMPUTER, AND DON'T GO TO BED UNTIL YOU'VE WATCHED TWO HOURS OF UKRAINE COVERAGE AND TAKEN OUT A LOAN ON AN UGLY RANCH HOUSE IN SKOKIE!
NOW!
…
…
Fun Fact #50 —
Fact #50
I'M ALL OUT OF FACTS, AND LIFE'S ALL OUT OF FUN.
GROW UP!
Fun Fact #51.
All fiction is rooted in the hypothetical. That's how the term "speculative fiction" came to be.
You're right. None of this is real.
And seeing that neither are you, you'll fit right in.
Enjoy your forever home, you son of a bitch.
…
…
…
Fun fact #52.
It'll be April next month. That means there will be ducklings in Diversey Harbor. Yellow feathers mottled with brown. There will no shortage of little weirdos — not now, not ever.
And if they can figure this world out…